Crucifying KaЯmina BuЯana

Today I had a terrible menstrual pain and still decided and manage to get out of bed, make my homework and go to class... just so when I step into the classroom they'd tell me the class was suspended due to some kind of personal issue with the teacher. I even took cake for my classmates because of courser I am a piece of charming lady (and they asked me to feed them everyday). Anyhow... today was a total waste of makeup, but still have a lot of cake to eat by myself.

This was my very first perfume ever... so it has probably more than 15 years old. Now it just smell weird. I don't have any preference with Cinderella at all; and the bottle it's nearly empty. So while I was cleaning my room, I just threw it away. Now I'm expecting to have some sort of feeling... yeah, right.

" Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolat...

Nobody ever touches my shoulders or neck, ever. But lately for some strange reason people, specially my family has started to. Tonight my aunt leaned on me (thing that I absolutely hate, by the way) and not only she started touching my back but pulled the collar of my shirt down because she felt something weird. And that’s when finally my mother noticed my neck piercing. She’s so pissed off she hasn’t spoken to me since then. I still haven’t decided if that’s a bad or a good thing.

So I just had a job interview… and this company wants to start their bussines sin the web 2.0 thing. Apparently they just want an intern to do all the project for them, and want results soon… and I was sitting there just telling that guy that he had tohave realistic expectations about blog suscribers, FB fans and Twitter followers… they just don’t appear overnigth. You kinda have to harvest that shit in time. And then he told me how underpayed I was gonna be in comparisson with all the amount of work I would have to do to fullfill their unrealistic expectation and hunger for money, obviously. But that if, of course, I had to happen to get to a second onterview that’s gonna be some kind of creativity test and after that another kinda test that’s sorto of a mistery… and of course all that after they correct the ortography test I had today and have all the answers I gave today in the interview inside a computer program… What is wrong with engineers…

Look! Look what my friend Paul got me from his trip! Awhole bag full of these. I don’t know how they’re called in english, but we call it suspiros or suspiritos (little hushes). I fucking love them.

Yesterday I went to a friend’s to have some drinks that are taking its toll… I feel terrible… Still I had to go visit, at the maternity hospital, my good friend from college who had her daughter last thuesday. It’s such a huge baby for a newborn. That’ good I guess… Her name is Selene.

My brother’s out, so I’m sleeping in his room tonigth. I’m watching tv, wearing his t.shirts and drinking more coffee… this is my version of Friday night fun!

Strange people on the subway complemented my make up today. I might do a video tutorial then… you know, the lame ones I upload on Youtube…  Might…

Dinner time! I really like my dinner today: Casabe (a typical venezulean kind of cracker made of yuca, the trunk of a bush), a granole and turkey ham salad with passion fruit sauce, an iced coffee with Bayley’s (why am I drinking coffee at 9:30 pm? Apparently because I hate myself) and a banana as a dessert.  This post is so pointless. Also I really like my outfit today wich was a simple white blouse and black pants and sweater… am I silly or am I silly? It must be the lightbolt… and the necklace I never use for some reason… and I have no idea why my tits look so ridiculously big in this picture. I go tto wear my new old shoes too! The ones I fixed putting a big pompom flower where the button fell. I have had these shoes in a box for more than a year and never got the to get fixed; but I did it myself and that makes me happy.   It rained and my feet got wet and dirty... and they gave me little blisters, but still, yay! In another news I swallow...

I put another flower to another shoe! Now I can wear it! It has been of a box for years because I never send them to fix… Now I fixem with some spare fabric and super glue! For free! Woooooo!

I drank two big BIG glasses of iced coffee with Bailey's... so not sleeping tonight. I am super hyper and can't burn my enegry of calm down my anxiety by dancing like crazy alone in my room because I have a back ache and my rigth knee is being a bitch. Besides, the mother of my dear friend from college texted me at 2:00 am telling me her daugther just gave birth... and feel so damn guilty because I do not feel not even a little happy for her. I am a horrible person. I am deeply concern about the bad state of my nails because of the terrible manicure I just gave me. My concience it's restless. This just confirms how terrible person I am. I am so nervous that I'm hurting my fingers again ripping off the flesh around my nails... it hurts and can't stop. I need help. I have a huge fear going on for a few days by now... I am not really sharing it but if it's true I'm jumping from the highest bridge in the city. And not even joking. Not a single...

After almost six months with the same pair of contacs I just bougth new lenses! They came in this cute little golden box in the shape of a cube or something. I just thougth it was kind of funny that they wrote “Magically… Lustful eyes.” with and incexplicably excess of commas. Apprently they’re an italian brand, but still that does not exclude them from their punctuation mistakes. I got them ligth blue this time, they are kinda fantasy looking but I chose them instead from the grey ones because they were much darker for my taste. I used to buy the perfect shade of grey lenses, but that brand apparently doesn't ship anymore to this country; they lasted up to a whole year or even more if you took good care of them. I loved them.  This ones I've been buying lately are disposable, and last up to four months, but after six mines are still in good shape, it doesn't even bother nor itch my eyes yet. Still I decided to buy new ones because well... just in case.  ...

Just found my black gloss from my youngster goth days… it’s terribly hideous, no wonder I had forsaken it into the bottom of a drawer.

I just made fabric roses to bring back to lofe these pair of old shoes. I know it’s not nearly the same shade of grey; but I still like how it worked out. I really LOVE my new old shoes.  

Last week my cosin's wife wrote to me saying that in the school of my little cousing there was going to be a concert of the Sinfonic Rock Orchestra of the Simón Bolívar Conservatoire; and asked me if I wanted to go.  I thought why not... I felt trully as a lover of music since I didn't know anybody there: nor the musicians, nor the attendants. I am used to know at least some band members of the gigs I go to.   I went with my brother because he likes almost that kind of music as I do. I thought he wouldn't like to go because he's been hooked on online games lately; that so he doesn't even leave the house anymore. The show was amazing, that little orchestra is the leaving proof there is so much talent in this country.  The only thing I could say I didn't like that much was some of the kids singing... no ofense, but no rock voices what so ever. For the rest, they were amazing, I had a really good time.    They played:  ...

LOVE today’s make up and nails… that tomorrow are gonna get messed up because I’m going to my swimming lessons. Oh well… gonna go to bed now because I am so tired… I am not sure why.  

Today I was at the graduation with my very pregnant friend from college and thesis partner, Luna. She's finally getting her degree.

I’m having an exiety attack, couldn’t sleep last night and this is what I’m doing to my fingers… Can’t even stop.  

Maybe I own too many bottles of black nail polish? This is what happens when I start mixing my neraly dead colurs of nail polish. I just love this one! My aunt got me a new splash (to exchange with mine wich smells like almods) that supposedly smells like orchid. But I just don’t know if I smell like flowers or beer…  

Today I was almost a owl crazy lady. Wore my new ring, bracelets and earings… but in the end I thougth the owl necklace and pin would be too much; so I didn’t add them. It’s been a while since I don’t wear colorfull make up, so I felt weird in blue today. Anyhow, I’ll try some other colors this week. 

This last Friday I got to hung out with some friends to get wasted… as usual. My friend who traveled to Germany gave this liquor that he loves… but wich I loathe completely.  That same day, I saw HIM, and felt NOTHING. You gotta be happy for me. IN fact I had this feeling that he was staring at me way too much... but now you have your girlfriend and it's too late buddy. Maybe it was my ovre autoestime working, but it felt damn good. My back haven’t been so good lately. So I had to take off my shoes at my friend’s. This is one big issie for me because I don’t let anybody see my feet. No particular reason, I just don’t. So he gave me his crocs… and I had to wear them because no other shoe of him would fit me. A little part of my soul died in that moment. Then on Saturday my grandmother, mama, turned 82 years old. The family, including myself, had to celebrate by drinking of course. OF COURSE. There is NOTHING better than drinking with the family. Also...

My aunt got the a gift because of Women’s International Day… It’s a cat that holds rings with its tale. Now this is just an excue to buy presents.

Drinking more coffee… emotional breakdown and anxiety attack in 3… 2… 1… My eyelids are twiching and I'm ridiculously overexcited. No more coffee for me, I promise.

Now I’m buying natural fragances (or at least they smell like natural fragances), not wearing fundation and wearing sandals… This is so unlike me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME…

Let's face it, I'm just happy because it's black.

I just pierced my ear by myself because I’m fucking stupid… I don’t always do stupid things… but when I do… My ear is extremely sore... I think I'm addicted to pain and I'm afraid I might do it again.